Child anxiety
1) Does this sound like you?
- Does your child refuse to go to school or struggle with morning meltdowns?
- Are you sleeping in your child’s bed or letting them crawl into yours every night to avoid “loneliness”?
- Do you answer for your child when someone asks them a question because they are hiding behind you?
- Do you find yourself performing a “safety sweep” of their room for spiders or monsters every night?
- Have you stopped watching the news, inviting friends over, or going out in the evening to avoid a child’s meltdown?
2) What you might be doing (Accommodation)
An accommodation is any change you make to your own behaviour to help your child avoid distress. While these actions feel like kindness, you are acting as a “sponge” for their anxiety. Common examples include:
- Negotiating: Allowing late starts at school or letting them stay home when they cry.
- Providing Reassurance: Making sure they don’t feel any discomfort during the day
- Safety Checking: Looking under the bed or behind curtains to “prove” the room is safe.
- Acting as a Mouthpiece: Jumping in to speak for them in social situations.
3) Why this might actually be the most unhelpful thing to do
Although you are trying to protect them from pain, these accommodations unintentionally feed the anxiety.
- The Silent Message: By stepping in, you are telling them, “I agree, this is too dangerous for you, and I don’t think you can handle it without me”.
- Weakening Resilience: This makes the child feel weaker and the world feel scarier, as they never get the data that proves they can survive on their own.
- Confirming Fears: Staying home from school confirms their suspicion that school is actually a dangerous place.
- The Trap: If they believe they need your constant shield, they will never feel truly safe.
4) What you should do differently
You cannot directly change your child’s internal feelings, so you must change your own response.
- Use the Support Statement: Combine acceptance with confidence: “I see that you are feeling very scared (Acceptance), and I am 100% certain that you are strong enough to handle that feeling (Confidence)”.
- Reduce One Accommodation: Pick one specific behavior to change, such as dropping them at the school gate rather than walking to the classroom door.
- Stop the Safety Sweeps: Do not check the room; tell them you know they are safe and can handle being in there.
- Practice Social Bravery: Wait in supportive silence when someone speaks to them; do not answer for them.
The “Red Light” Rule: Expect a big meltdown where their anxiety spikes when you change your behaviour. Never change your mind during a meltdown, or you teach them that extreme distress is the key to getting what they want. A red light means a red light!
For more in-depth strategies, Eli Lebowitz’s book, Breaking Free of Childhood Anxiety, is an excellent resource for families. Your goal is to stay steady while they learn they are strong enough to climb over life’s obstacles.